Hello all once again. Especially Lindow. Sorry you could't download that media file. It's only a word document. Could be my fault as I'm not the greatest computer bod on the planet. Anyway I think it's so funny i've decided to write the whole thing because I hate to think of anybody missing out on a good laugh!

It' a letter that has been floating around our pub for the last few months and was adressed to David Milliband MP, then secretary for State for Rural Affairs. It went like this.

Rt Hon David Milliband MP.
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural affairs.
Nobel House,
17 Smith Square,
London, SW1P 3JR.

16 may 2007

Dear Secretary of state.
My friend, who is in the farming business at the moment, recently recieved a cheuue for £3,000 from the Rural Payments agency for not rearing Pigs. I would now like to join the "Not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to ensure that I approach this endevour in keeping with all Government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear Bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rearing Porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there to many farmers not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? And if so, are they Government funded.

My freind is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is yntill this year, when he recieved a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale to begin with, holding myself down to about 4000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I could expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to recieve tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another salient point: These pigs that I plan not to rear, will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I also understand that you pay Farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed pigs that I don't rear.

I'm also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields. Can this be done on an E-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I see to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benifits.

I shall of course be voting for your party in the next General Election.

Yours faithfull,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

Well, it made me giggle for days. Speak soon. Greg.