Yeah, go Gloucester. 26-18. What a game. Our Hieneken dream is still alive. It was bloody cold mind!!

Hello all once again. Especially Lindow. Sorry you could't download that media file. It's only a word document. Could be my fault as I'm not the greatest computer bod on the planet. Anyway I think it's so funny i've decided to write the whole thing because I hate to think of anybody missing out on a good laugh!

It' a letter that has been floating around our pub for the last few months and was adressed to David Milliband MP, then secretary for State for Rural Affairs. It went like this.

Rt Hon David Milliband MP.
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural affairs.
Nobel House,
17 Smith Square,
London, SW1P 3JR.

16 may 2007

Dear Secretary of state.
My friend, who is in the farming business at the moment, recently recieved a cheuue for £3,000 from the Rural Payments agency for not rearing Pigs. I would now like to join the "Not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to ensure that I approach this endevour in keeping with all Government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear Bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rearing Porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there to many farmers not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? And if so, are they Government funded.

My freind is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is yntill this year, when he recieved a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale to begin with, holding myself down to about 4000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I could expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to recieve tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another salient point: These pigs that I plan not to rear, will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I also understand that you pay Farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed pigs that I don't rear.

I'm also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields. Can this be done on an E-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I see to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benifits.

I shall of course be voting for your party in the next General Election.

Yours faithfull,

Nigel Johnson-Hill

Well, it made me giggle for days. Speak soon. Greg.

If you want a good laugh, down load this letter to David Milliband.

Well, finally it's Sunday, end of the week for me. A time for some serious reflection. Rememberance day as well. After a busy week I have 2 days off. Hmmmmm, what to do with said time. I'll go to the village Monument at 11:00am for the rememberence service, then scrub the cellar, clean the cottage then twiddle my thumbs.

Speaking to a regular last night, Dave the Bass, we realised that Mr Carr, the great quit smoking guru died of lung cancer and the chap in New York that made jogging popular died of a heart attack whilst jogging. Now there's a nail in the coffin of irony. We both decided that after we'd finished our ciggaretettes we'd best walk back to the bar.

Highlight of the week. MET a WOMAN. Very nice! She stayed with us for a week whilst on a training program. Her name is Elrian. Even the name rings out like a sweet C sharp major. My heart is still all a flutter. A very vocal, outspoken attractive Welsh beauty who had me enthralled within a nano second. Why oh why I asked myself. For all you agricultural types out there, she works for Genus, the largest cattle breeder in the world for you lay men. When she asked what it was that I found attractive about her, I simply and honestly replied, it's the erotic excotic aroma of MOO POO! Yes that's right peeps, she shoves her hand up Cows private parts for a living. How attractive is that. So if anybody know's Elrian from South Wales Tell her Greg is totally smitten and sings her name like a mantra.

Well, just got back from the memorial service, very moving.

Mr J Oconner a local horse breeder, arable farmer and general know it all had a fun afternoon yesterday.
Whilst fitting a new kitchen he discovers that the kitchen top he ordered is 6" too short. Having confidence in the supplier he purchased said work top from he immediately set about returning it for the correct size. Imagine his total dismay when the asst told him they had run out of said design when there was a 20' legnth right in fron of their eyes. "Thats for display purposes said the assistant." Well mr Oconner was having none of this and promptly asked to speak to the manager. Being the drones that these employees are, the manager has exactly the same reply. Well, not to be out done Mr O'conner returns to his truck and retrieved his trusty petrol driven CHAINSAW and proceeds to cut the legnth of work top he requires, panick ensues, customers and staff alike our having visions of the Texas chainsaw massacre. The police take swift action and reprimand Mr O'conner with a stern lecture about the correct usage of said chainsaw a calm was restored. Finally a sensible Bobby. Most would have arrested him for health and safety reasons as i'm sure he didn't do a risk assesment first. Anyhow, he got his kitchen work top and finished the job nicely.

Well, have a good day all, speak soon. Gman1

Hello again, it's Friday morning, the birds are a twittering, there's a gentle breeze in the air causing the Willows to sway majestically. Today people, life is good. Gloucester beat Ulster 32-14 in the Heineken cup last night and the taste of victory is still in our moths.

Most of the Village went to Ireland on Thursday to watch said match so it's been pretty quiet here as our population is only about 100. Told you it was insular. Still, it was an interesting day for all that.

Firstly we had a rival cricket team in for their end of season dinner so we gave them a good ribbing, but what I most remember is the residents that we had in for the night. No less than 8 people. All from Kingston upon Thames. Ahhh, how we reminisced. Sunday sojourns in Richmond park, riverside pubs on hot balmy afternoons. We spoke into the wee hours and yes, life was good. One chap was so tall, about 6'8" that if he said black was white you would have agreed.

Well I best go, i'm working all day today and the lunatics are due back from across the pond. Have a good day everybody.

Gman1

Well here I am, finally succumb to the mad world of the internet. Apt as I live in a mad Village. I have decided to write about the daily madness of a Village in the heart of Gloucestershire.

A bit about me, I run a busy Village inn and am surrounded by some very amusing local characters who make me laugh so hard my face hurts. I moved here from London 2 years ago because I thought the world was going mad, since i've been here I now know that it has. As I figure this whole blog thinggy out I will try and keep you up-dated with the trials and tribulations of Our little insular world.

I would write more now but my head hurts as I got Noggered last night. This is a local term for gettin totally but un-intentionly bladdered and I have to go to work soon. Well all, watch this space, it could be rubbish, it could be fun. G-man.